The Ryndex

You are not alone. I can recall several situations where I instinctively apologized for something that wasn’t my fault, then felt like a complete wuss for having done so. I think my upbringing was such that I became too polite for today’s world.

I’m trying to improve my ferocity, however. Recently I pulled open a door at the swimming complex and a kid, who was sitting against the other side of the door with his friends (discussing swim lessons or something) fell over on his back as I pulled the door. There was no way I could see him and it was stupid for him to be reclining against a public door, yes? I *almost* said “so sorry”, but I caught myself and said “…uh, it is a DOOR.”

Perhaps there is hope for me. I hope your crotch is okay.

I’m a big fan of blurting out an enthusiastic “Oh for fuck’s sake!” when people do idiotic things to me. Then, if they appear appropriately remorseful I cut them immense slack – but, if they aren’t contrite enough for my taste the scorn get’s taken up a notch. (Though, in all countries that aren’t Canada I find I’m more likely to apologize as my first instinct – on the assumption that being the foreigner it is probably at least partially my fault…)

Ah! Now this is a subject close to the bone. I believe it’s because you are Canadian, and for some reason we are all ingrained with a ferocious sense of not wanting to offend. It’s funny reading Gned’s comment, as I would predict both he and you would be the type to over-apologize. I, contrary to popular belief, am the same way, and so I have been consciously socially re-engineering myself over the last few years on this exact thing.

Last year I made a pact with myself to stop using the reflex “oh, sorry” in any awkward situation, with the more puzzling “yowzah!”. For example, when I’m standing quite still somewhere and some brute bumps into me from behind, trying to brush past, I used to instinctively say “oh, sorry” (even though it was obvious that it was his fault for the contact), but now I will blurt out some non sequitur like “yowzah!”, or if I’m feeling grumpy “careful, you clod”

Good luck in shaking this irksome duck.

Yikes! Glad you are OK. I am frequently chastised for my incessant apologizing too…so I am afraid I can’t offer any great advice.

Never apologize. Nothing is ever your fault. If you believe this you can sell it. In fact, you should go out of your way to associate blame with someone else – especially at work – perhaps the person sitting in front of you… or the ticket lady for selling you an aisle seat… or the plane manufacturer for making such small, uncomfortable seats with no leg room. None of this is your fault… even if you did trip her. She should be watching out for feet in the aisle – this can’t possibly be the first time some tall person has tried to reach some relief for their aching knees by stretching out into the laneway. What’s the matter, is she simple?

Of course, I’m infinately (sp?) apologizing because usually it is I who have just bumped into somebody (or even myself) and spilled their beer all over some other person’s fur jacket while stumbling backwards into a crowd of unsuspecting dancers who end up pushing into a rather large, drunken guy who isn’t actually dancing, he’s just standing there staring at his latest conquest, who then pushes back the guy who bumped into him and a fight ensues. This is when I slink off into the night and stop apologizing and start running!

This is a pet peeve of mine: people who think that apologizing too much is actually a problem. My experience is that people don’t apologize nearly enough.

I apologize a lot – sometimes insincerely – and I am certainly sorry about that. But my heart is in the right place – I want things to be better for me and you and any tragedy however minor and however much not my fault makes me sad and I am sorry that I contributed to the unfortunate situation in whatever small way. So why shouldn’t I be sorry for that?

Let’s imagine two pepole are drunk and accidentally walk into each other without looking. Who’s to blame? Who knows? No one is really sure. The best scenario is they both say “Sorry” and walk away: happy, peaceful, and gentle. No one gets hurt and no one has their feelings wounded. But let’s instead imagine that they both say “Careful you clod!” (or the like) – this is way worse! You have escalated the situation for no reason.

I hope to continue to live in a world where people say “Sorry” for minor infractions that are probably not their fault.

So stick to saying “I’m sorry” as often as you can. It’s good manners!