The Ryndex

While I’m dwelling on the past, I just thought I’d share the shower invitation we used this summer for a rocking wedding shower. I thought it was kind of funny.

THE PARTICULARS

Sunday, July 3rd, at 2PM.
Arzoo XXX
12345-123 Street
Edmonton, Alberta
(780) 234-1234

THEME

Nuclear retro-homemaker happiness (frilly aprons, pearls, pink coconut cake, spatulas and advice on using an upright vaccuum).

POTLUCK

Little nibbly things from the dusty old cookbook in the shelf — bring a little something to munch on! We’ve had an offer of a jello mold, which is exactly in the right direction. Other good ideas include finger sandwiches, hairy coconut balls and cocktail weiners, and all manner of things skewered with toothpicks.

If you’re bringing something, let us all know in your comment! That way we can balance the sweet versus the savoury.

By the way, if you’re travelling or don’t have cuisining facilities available, don’t worry about bringing something. We’ll be judging you on your feather-dusting capabilities, not on your petit fours. And you can always bring a bottle or two of “Wifey’s Little Helper”, if you know what I mean…

GENDERS

Apparently D socializes with the boys as well as the girls, so this wedding shower is enthusiastically unisex. Bring your dingle and/or your hoo-hah if you have ‘em!

FOR THE BRIDE-TO-BE

We’re going to decorate a three ring binder, and put together a Wife’s Handbook as a keepsake. This is the chance to use all that scrapbooking crap you bought when you expected your life to deliver a few happy memories! Anything can go in the book, so bring along:

1. Your favourite recipes or drink mixes (such as gramma’s pineapple sponge upside-down Rolo™ cornflake cake).
2. Household tips (such as “instead of buying a waffle iron, carefully consider your reasons for wanting waffles.”)
3. Suggestions on how to please your man (such as “after a hard days work, comfy slippers can double as an effective ball gag”).
4. and expecially a good mix CD. Stick it in an envelope pasted to the page. You don’t want me to be choosing the music for this shower. I mean it.
5. Photographs of D and/or M, drawings of D in wedding gear, old notes you passed between each other, anything goes. Use those pinking shears and glitter paint — this is for life!

RÉPONDEZ S’IL-VOUS PLAÎT

If you’d like to participate, leave your name in the comments below, along with:

1. How many people,
2. What you’d like to bring to the potluck,
3. Any ideas for nuclear retro-homemaker happiness games that might be appropriate, and
4. You know, whatever.

And a good time was had by all.

Tin Foiled BlahBlahBlah

I had mentioned earlier that one of the things I wanted to blog was the wedding playlist that I “helped” put together for a wedding. I think that’s an excellent idea, since I hope that it can be helpful for other marriages (ten days and counting!). It’s also a gentle introduction back into the blog.

The bride picked out the vast majority of the music, and I made such awful suggestions that she assumed I was joking. With her help, and other music-lovers, we categorized each of the songs into six sections (described below).

We then created a table comparing each song to every other song in the list excluding itself and measuring comparative quantitative data such as difference in beats per minute and key dissonance, taking into account qualitative and subjective aspects such as theme and “heart”. Using this data, we assembled the playlist to maximize rockifiability and dancitude during the wedding reception.

Section 0 – Lead-In

The first five songs were chosen by the bride, starting with their wedding song. They waltzed gracefully, and we broke directly into the theme of the wedding reception (and wedding): “Let’s Get Down!”

0.01 Dean Martin – That’s Amore

0.02 Parliament – Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof off the Sucker)

0.03 Kool and The Gang – Celebration

0.04 Stevie Wonder – Superstition

0.05 Usher – Yeah

Section 1 – Ramping Up

For the start of the party, you have a responsibility to include all the guests. The parents of the bride and groom will occasionally on the dance-floor, probably dancing with grandchildren, and they all want to have a good time. Plus, the well-paced wedding guest will only be feeling a slight buzzy glow at this point, so you don’t want anything too difficult.

1.01 Prince – 1999

1.02 Ricky Martin – Livin la Vida Loca

1.03 Bee Gees – You Should Be Dancing

1.04 Die Vikinger – Tiroler Polka

1.05 Sly and the Family Stone – Dance To the Music

1.06 Outkast – Hey Ya

1.07 (Couples) ABBA – I Do I Do I Do

1.08 Dead Or Alive – You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)

1.09 (Couples) Stevie Wonder – Isn’t She Lovely

1.10 Tom Jones – She’s a Lady

1.11 The Emotions – Best Of My Love

1.12 They Might Be Giants – The Guitar

1.13 (Couples) Frank Sinatra – The Way You Look Tonight

1.14 Beyonce Knowles ft. Jay-Z – Crazy In Love

1.15 Beastie Boys – Fight For Your Right

1.16 Boy George & Culture Club – Karma Chameleon

1.17 REM – What’s the Frequency, Kenneth

1.18 Jackson Five – ABC

1.19 Beatles – Twist And Shout

1.20 (Couples) Dean Martin – Mambo Italiano

1.21 B-52′s – Love Shack

1.22 Kool and The Gang – Jungle Boogie

Section 2 – We Like To Party

At this point, we’re solidly in the wedding reception.

2.01 Chic – Le Freak

2.02 Bee Gees – Stayin’ Alive

2.03 Prima – Swing Swing Swing

2.04 (Couples) Sarah Harmer – Tennessee Waltz

2.05 They Might Be Giants – Don’t Let’s Start

2.06 ABBA – Dancing Queen

2.07 Buckwheat Zydeco – Put It In The Pocket

2.08 Bobby Vinton – Beer Barrel Polka (Roll out the Barrel)

2.09 REM – Near Wild Heaven

2.10 (Couples) Dean Martin – Return To Me (Ritorna Me)

2.11 Stevie Wonder – For Once In My Life

2.12 (Couples) Beau Jacque & Zydeco High Rollers – Beau’s Cajun Two-Step

2.13 (Couples) Frank Sinatra – I Only Have Eyes For You

2.14 Earth, Wind and Fire – Shining Star

2.15 New Order – Temptation

2.16 Prince – Let’s Go Crazy

2.17 (Couples) Sarah Harmer – Open Window (The Wedding Song)

2.18 Tom Jones – It’s Not Unusual

2.19 Aerosmith – Sweet Emotion

2.20 Commodores – Brickhouse

2.21 Jackson Five – I want you back

Section 3 – Meat and Groovy

Natural selection has removed the children, the elderly, the feeble, and those with responsibilities. The night belongs to the guests sitting around the tables talking, laughing and drinking. And getting up to dance every now and then because you “love this song!” The music is interesting and engaging — it doesn’t need to be the sure-fire crowd-pleasers.

I was putting eyedrops in my eyes at half-hour intervals, so I’d leave the table and return making a gesture as if I was brushing powder off the bottom of my nose. Then I’d go to the open bar and order a round for as many people as I could take an order for, and if I couldn’t find them, that’s just too bad.

3.01 Parliament – Flash Light

3.02 New Order – Bizarre Love Triangle

3.03 ABBA – Does Your Mother Know

3.04 Cheap Trick – I Want You To Want Me

3.05 (Couples) They Might Be Giants – Another First Kiss

3.06 REM – The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite

3.07 ACDC – You shook me all night long

3.08 Cameo – Word Up

3.09 Bob Marley – Could You Be Loved

3.10 (Couples) Al Green – Let’s Stay Together

3.11 Franz Ferdinand – Take Me Out

3.12 James Brown – Sex machine

3.13 Franz Ferdinand – The Dark Of The Matinée

3.14 Clash – Rock The Casbah

3.15 Hot Chocolate – You Sexy Thing

3.16 Beastie Boys – Body Movin’ (Fatboy Slim Remix)

3.17 Aerosmith – Love in an Elevator

3.18 Prince – Kiss

3.19 Soft Cell – Tainted Love

3.20 (Couples) Blue Rodeo – Head Over Heels

3.21 Black Eyed Peas – Where is the Love

3.22 Beck – Sexx Laws

3.23 Kiss – Rock And Roll All Night

3.24 Meat Loaf – Paradise by the Dashboard Light

Section 4 – Go Home. Go Now.

The party has to die down eventually, but nobody can be entirely sure when the die-hards are going home (although it’s typically just after the open bar closes). This section has great music that can keep the party going, but nothing that you’re going to miss if it gets cut off — which it will.

At this point, I believe I was eating all the sugar flowers that people picked off the wedding cupcakes. I was also sitting on this guy’s lap — he thought my “wife” had been flirting with him all night.

4.01 Dexy’s Midnight Runners – Come On Eileen

4.02 Peaches & Herb – Shake Your Groove Thing

4.03 (Couples) Marvin Gaye – Let’s get it on

4.04 (Couples) Blue Rodeo – Cynthia

4.05 Guns N’ Roses – Sweet Child O’ Mine

4.06 Rose Royce – Car Wash

4.07 (Couples) Stevie Wonder – You Are The Sunshine Of My Life

4.08 (Couples) Billy Bragg and Wilco – Hesitating Beauty

4.09 Prince- Raspberry Beret

4.10 Wham! – Wake Me up Before You Go Go

4.11 (Couples) Stevie Wonder – I Believe (When I Fall In Love It Will Be Forever)

4.12 Buckwheat Zydeco – Hard To Stop

4.13 Trammps – Disco Inferno

4.14 Madonna – Holiday

4.15 Neil Young – Harvest Moon

4.16 Stevie Wonder – Sir Duke

4.17 Michael Jackson – P. Y. T. (Pretty Young Thing)

4.18 (Couples) Johnny Cash – Ring of Fire

Section 5 – End Credits.

Although section 4 is designed to collapse to fit the end of the night, but we still want some control over the last songs people will hear before shoving off. These were carefully timed to provide exactly enough time for larcenous dawdlers to steal the centerpieces.

I really don’t remember if we actually got around to these. It was all pretty fuzzy at the end.

5.01 Tom Waits – Little Trip to Heaven (On the Wings of Your Love)

5.02 Blondie – Heart of Glass

5.03 Beastie Boys – Intergalactic

5.04 Norah Jones – Come Away With Me

5.05 Funkadelic – One Nation Under A Groove

I do remember saying good-bye to the bride and groom (in their civilian clothing), going to the hotel and dancing in my power underwear and tie while my friends ordered pizza (photographs available with any major credit card).

Tin Foiled BlahBlahBlah